A Brief Synopsis of Recent Historical Events: NFC North Weeks 1 and 2
Two weeks later…
NFC North Standings
Bears 2-0 (1-0)
Packers 2-0 (0-0)
Vikings 0-2 (0-0)
Lions 0-2 (0-1)
If you’re a Lions fan or a Packers fan, that looks awfully familiar. If you’re a Bears fan, it looks surprising but plausible. If you’re a Vikings fan, it looks like it’s time to make a choice between Jim Beam or Jack Daniels (may I suggest both?).
While the Vikings start might be a bit shocking, it’s nothing compared to the news out of Detroit this week. The Lions, after years of torturing their fans with the ugly product on the field, have finally decided to give them something to look at instead of fat sweaty guys: CHEERLEADERS! No more will Lions fans in need of amusement have to stare with wonderment at the size of Jeff Backus’ enormous behind, wondering how much grease it took to fit it into those silver pants. No sir, the Lions have entered the 20th century, exploiting women as sex objects for fun and profit. God bless their patriarchal little hearts.
Honey, everyone is going to be watching you by the end of the second quarter...
It’s only right. The football gods have spent an inordinate amount of time fucking with Lions fans. It’s about time they gave something back. The huge scale at the center of the universe that decides what is right and what is not just clicked one notch to the side of righteousness. It’s the Ford family’s way of giving something back after that whole Pinto thing.
But what about the boys in sweaty pants? Well, wonder no more…
MINNESOTA VIKINGS STATE OF THE PROGRAM:
Old.
Hey Brett, are you still just having fun out there? You might be able to skip training camp when you’re 25…or 30…or 35…but 40? You might need a few weeks to get in shape when you’re 40.
Favre looks terrible. His mistakes single-handedly cost the Vikings in week two against the Dolphins. While he made fewer mistakes in week one, he was also less dynamic and was awful in the second half when the game was there to be won. In both games the Vikings defense played well enough to win; in both games the offense was anemic. They are now second to last in the league in points per game and in the bottom third in passing yards.
Favre is ranked 32nd in Bill Barnwell’s quarterback rankings this week, making him the lowest rated QB in the division….a division that includes Shaun Hill. Its quite a comedown for the King of Kiln. Even a bigger comedown for the Vikings, who are throwing caution to the wind one last time before the inevitable rebuilding project.
That sound you hear are the last hairs on Brad Childress’ head slowly falling to the ground, like snow falling on cedars. And if you listen close enough, you can hear the sound of Vincent Jackson’s bank account growing. Greg Camarillo ain’t gonna help you, Vikes. You need a home run hitter. Getting Jackson might not make the Vikes back into a Super Bowl contender, but NOT getting him will make them into the third place team in this division.
The Vikes are about to pay Vincent enough money so he no longer has to ride on the outside of planes
Trending: Down.
DETROIT LIONS STATE OF THE PROGRAM:
The Lions did little to win their first game of the season other than watch the Bears try to hand it to them. In typical Lions fashion, they politely declined. The Lions have spent the last 50 years politely declining to take victory from others. They are the most well mannered team in NFL history.
And living proof that nice guys finish last. Once again the Lions start off the season in grand fashion. As most of the football watching world knows by now, Calvin Johnson caught a pass from Shaun Hill (more on him in a minute) in the last seconds against the Bears to seemingly give the Lions the win. But the officials decided that CJ having the ball in his hands, then hitting the ground, then rolling over, then putting his other hand out of bounds, was not enough to constitute a “catch” in today’s NFL. The rule is so convoluted that it’s difficult to say one way or another. It was clear to most of us that he caught the ball, but it is also clear that under the rule, the officials could legitimately say he didn’t.
And if 50 years of Lion-dom have taught us anything, it’s that if the choice is for the football gods to help the Lions or screw the Lions, you better have some lube ready or it’s going to be a painful Monday.
Speaking of painful, it’s Matt Stafford. The Lions golden boy didn’t last a week this season. Thanks to the turnstile of Jeff Backus on his left, Stafford was crushed by Julius Peppers and will now miss most of the first half of the season with a shoulder injury. The same shoulder he hurt last season. Notice a pattern? Until the Lions upgrade from the Five Pillars of Puff Pastry that are there to theoretically protect Stafford, he will never be healthy and the Lions will never return to the franchise glory days of 8-8.
As solid as Jeff Backus, but with twice the calories!
The bright spot? Jahvid Best. Put the kid on turf and he can flat out fly. While held in check against a re-born Bears defense, Best ripped the Eagles for 12 first downs and two scores. He was the fastest man on the field not named DeSean Jackson or Mike Vick and looks like the homerun hitter the Lions haven’t had since Barry Sanders was ripping through defenses on his way to Canton.
Trending: Even.
GREEN BAY PACKERS STATE OF THE PROGRAM:
Hurt.
Green Bay opened the season against a rebuilding Eagles club and followed that up against the worst team in the league by playing Buffalo. In Philly they dominated the Iggles, built a big lead, and knocked out their starting QB. It wasn’t until Mike Vick came on for some late heroics did the game get close. They destroyed Buffalo.
Neither game showed us much we didn’t already know. Green Bay’s offense is very good. Green Bay’s defensive front seven can get after the QB as well as any team in the league. Green Bay’s secondary is vulnerable.
And Green Bay is injured.
Ryan Grant went out in week one and is out for the season. Al Harris has yet to return. Justin Harrell is out for the season. Charles Woodson is having problems with his toes. Chad Clifton is hobbling on a bad knee. Most players in the NFL suffer injuries during the season, but most players are not as old as the Packers’ corps of walking wounded. To be injured this early in the season may not portend great things to come for the Men Who Wear Cheese As Hats.
Put eight of these on the field and you'll have what's going on in Green Bay
Rumors are that the Packers may trade for Marshawn Lynch and his solid gold grill. If the Bills are that desperate to part with their former top rusher, the Packers will be happy to take him off their hands. BTW: How do you know God has a problem with you? You go from Cal-Berkley to Buffalo to Green Bay, Wisconsin. What’s the matter God, you couldn’t open an expansion team in Yukon and send Lynch there? You’re getting soft.
Trending: Even.
CHICAGO BEARS STATE OF THE PROGRAM:
Drunk.
No, Braylon Edwards has not been traded to the shores of Lake Michigan; however the Bears are giddy with the start of their season. After having been run through the gauntlet by local and national media after the exhibition season, the Bears are telling everyone “I told you so,” after beating the Lions and Cowboys to start the year 2-0.
It didn’t look so hot about 5 minutes into the first quarter against the Cowboys. Jay Cutler was running for his life on every snap, Chris Williams was out of the game, and it seemed like the Bears were in for a long afternoon of trying to keep Cutler out of the hospital. And then it all changed. Suddenly the Bears were making quick throws and keeping the Dallas pass rush off balance. Suddenly the Bears defense was opportunistically taking advantage of Dallas mistakes; giving up yards but not points.
It's time to party like you just passed your GED!
Suddenly the much-maligned Bears are 2-0.
Like a buffet full of beef in front of a Bears fan, this isn’t liable to last long. The Bears still have protection issues, still lack receivers, and are still giving up yards by the bushel (and should have lost to the Lions if it not for being bailed out by an absurd rule).
That being said, the Bears look good. This team resembles the Rams teams that Lovie Smith and Mike Martz ran to the Super Bowl back in the day. They have an offense and defense that both feast on big plays. And while they don’t have the talent on offense that those Rams teams had, they do have better players on defense. If they can continue to get turnovers from their defense and reduce the turnovers from their offense, the Bears might be the surprise team of the year.
Trending: Up.
PLAYERS OF THE WEEK(S):
98 rushing yards, 170 receiving yards, 5 touchdowns
68.8 completion percentage, 5 Tds, 1 Int, 10.1 YPP.
TEAM OF THE WEEK(S):
Chicago Bears.
NEXT WEEK:
It’s internecine warfare time as the Lions visit the Vikings and the Packers travel to Soldier Field. As of today, the Pack are 3 point favorites over the Bears and the Lions are a whopping 10 point dogs at the Metrodome.
The Packers and Bears like to think they have the best rivalry in the NFL, and they may be right. This will be the measuring stick for the newborn Bears. Can they protect Cutler against the Packers? Can they protect their end zone against Aaron Rodgers? I say no. Packers 27, Bears 13.
The Lions like to think they have a chance against the Vikings, and they might be right. Ndamokong Suh has already declared that the Lions will not lose another home game this season. Bless his young, naïve little heart. Fortunately he won’t be proven wrong this weekend as the Lions are playing in Minnesota, a place where they have not won a game since Bill Clinton was President. Look for the trend to continue. Vikings 23, Lions 14.
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